It's Been a Long Time Coming

I think those words, “it’s been a long time coming” are from a song in the ‘70’s era – they seem so familiar to me. But when they surged into my consciousness a few minutes ago, I realized they carried a specific message.

I haven’t written in a very long time, almost a year, maybe longer. I just wasn’t interested. No Muse knocking at my door, no character from the mystery series I write insisting that there was more to tell…just nothing. Sort of blah thinking about any sort of creativity.

I was, I now think, trying to find my way after becoming a widow.

I guess losing a spouse is different for everyone. But for me, the loss had occurred over a decade earlier, more if I am honest, so that the physical death was just a period at the end of a very long and convoluted sentence. Nevertheless, there was an emotional process that I didn’t recognize but that was essential for me to be able to move forward. As I approach the 2-year mark of his passing, I realize that finally I have emerged from the shadows into the light, that I have found happiness again, and that I feel free.

And, I’ve been thinking again about writing. I was 20,000 words into a new book when the desire to write abandoned me. A new character had introduced herself, and I am curious to see what she may have to say. I read some of my old essays – the words in them encouraged me to write the one that you are reading.

Life is a journey and often the road takes us in a direction we never anticipated. It has certainly happened to me. I have found a love I never expected. Happiness has again become a companion. Life is changing for me as I enter my own ‘70’s (no pun intended), but I am content and mellow.

It’s time to write – it’s been a long time coming.

 

 

 

 

A Time To Wait

 I’ve been struggling to write the past several weeks. I’m about 20,000 words in on the next book in the Allison Parker Mystery series that I write, but the characters have gone silent on me. No nudge. No urge. No magic. Not sure what’s going on there. Yesterday I re-read what I have written to this point, and I like the story, like the new characters, and wonder where the story is going – yet have no desire to write. So, this morning I thought “why not try an essay?” As soon as that thought came to me, so came the title “A Time to Wait.”

In retrospect, I’ve been doing a lot of waiting in the last year since my husband died. I wasn’t ready to move forward on hardly any level – a reality I am just now understanding. I had accepted his death – he and I knew it was coming and had prepared as best we could – but my life moving forward afterwards was an unknown. I’m basically a big chicken, so adjusting to living alone in the mountains had its challenges. When it’s dark here, it’s really dark. A loaded Glock 19 and my dog assuaged my fears to a degree, but some nights were, and are, still very hard for me. It doesn’t help that I am sensitive to those across the veil, and at times can feel “others” there with me.

I’m 72 now, and while the number sounds “old” I don’t feel old. As the one-year anniversary of my husband’s death approaches I wonder if there will be another love for me. I hope so, but I know I can’t go looking for it. When I think about that part of my life, I hear the words “a time to wait.” I am impatient, but I know when I hear a message that I need to pay attention to. (Dangling participle be damned).

Fall is my favorite time of year. A time when nature rests and goes quiet for the winter months. Is this also a message for me? To enjoy the vibrant colors that Fall brings, but to know that Winter is a time to wait, to wait for renewal and new life.

I wish I had a crystal ball.